I am a female. I've been married for 6 years and only recently that I began to realize that I am rough in bed. Are there ways for me to behave more gently? I wonder where did I go wrong.
ANSWER
There's no one "right" way to make love. A skilled, knowledgeable lover employs a wide range of practices, from slow and gentle to fast and furious. That's what helps keep passion and romance alive in a relationship over many years.
You don't have to lose your "rough" side — there's plenty of room for fierceness when you are in the heat of passion. All you need to do is add other elements too.
Here are some suggestions:
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My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year; he is 25 and I am 24. We love each other deeply. We connect emotionally, personally, and physically. We have recognized that one of our challenges is our sexual relationship. We both come from a sexual background where we were the object of most of the attention. We were each spoiled by our respective partners, not that we didn't reciprocate, but it was just more about our needs which in turn satisfied our partners. (Which was perfectly healthy in other relationships).
Not so much in this one. This is not to say that we do not have sex and that it is not good. When we do have sex it can be very bonding as we have mastered the simultaneous orgasm. I think we are lacking in the foreplay/oral area, which is where we were both spoiled previously.
I would happily give more, if I felt like I received back. But once I give I often feel forgotten. He alternately feel that I am selfish because in foreplay I am not trying to bring him to climax, but only make him hard enough for intercourse. Lately we have been defaulting to sex because we can both be satisfied.
But we still feel like there is something missing. What can we do (besides buying your book, which I already plan to do)?
ANSWER
Your lovemaking has become far too mechanical and almost totally goal oriented. Too mechanical means you have learned some good moves which enable you to come to orgasm at the same instant, but this is merely sexual technique. The goal orientation is trying to get to simultaneous orgasm, as if that is all the lovemaking was for. Essentially your lovemaking is now a simple business transaction exchange; “you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.” There is not much room for love and affection in such a transaction.
Drop the goal of getting to orgasm and shift to a pleasure orientation. Focus on giving and receiving pleasure as an expression of your love and affection for each other in the now moment. Otherwise, it is only going to be more of the same, which is great orgasms together, but ending with both of you feeling used, abused, and neglected, with a big hole in the middle of your heart. The only way to replace the hole in your heart is to put a giggle there. What will put a giggle there is when you feel respected, cared for, adored, appreciated and loved.
What brings those wonderful qualities into lovemaking is the foreplay and afterplay, which always includes intimate conversation in which you acknowledge each other, complement each other, express your appreciation for the things you admire about each other, remember past things you did together when you were feeling in love, and planning future things you will do together as lovers enjoying each other’s company as you go through life and grow old together.
Make an effort to give and receive non-sexual affection (including non-sexual touching) and then bring that quality of caring for each other into your lovemaking.
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I was wondering something when you suggested doing the tantric pleasuring exercise, and then ending it without ejaculating at all. Is this supposed to get your body used to enjoying the feeling without actually needing to ejaculate? I've tried it twice now, each time after a few dry semi-orgasms, and I've been able to successfully stop both times without ejaculating, and so I'm just wondering if this is actually training my body, and making it able to last longer.
ANSWER
The idea is to accumulate a very high charge of life force energy in the form of hot sexual energy. This is then available for your use in all aspects of your life, but particularly opens you up to a dramatic expansion of your spiritual consciousness. Pleasure is a very small thing by comparison.
Beware, as you practice building the energy without ejaculation, you must move it up through the body away from the prostate. Almost certainly, as you learn, you will build more energy than you can move and your prostate will become sore. This is not dangerous (unless you let it go on too long, i.e., over a period of weeks), it only means that you need to release the energy with an ejaculation. This will restore your comfort, and you can resume your practice of building the energy again. Once you have mastered being able to move the energy there will be no soreness of the prostate.
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When I give my lady a complete yoni massage then she becomes emotional. Why?
ANSWER
For most women sex and love are almost always closely connected. For them any sexual act is an expression of love, either a giving or receiving of love, or sometimes a search for it. For some men, sexual acts can be completely disconnected from any emotional feelings, a purely physical activity with no emotional significance. I am guessing that is the case with you because of how you worded the question. For such a man, it may be, and often is the case, that their heart will open to feeling emotions, affection and love only after a satisfying sexual encounter including an ejaculation. For some unfortunate men (and for their unfortunate women) they won’t allow themselves to feel anything, ever, even after great physical sex.
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Your materials on the Sexy Spiritual Relationships Membership website, all indicate that monogamy is preferable with the Tantric way. I would like to know, if that is not the desire of one or the other of the partners, is it still possible to follow the Tantric pathway together?
ANSWER
Monogamy is a personal choice. It is a choice Pala and I have made. Our commitment to each other is a gift, given and received with enthusiasm and delight, never a burden, and certainly not something we do because we feel we have to. The commitment of fidelity is not something required because of some moral or ethical standard imposed upon us by any external authority. It is a natural expression of our love for each other. Having made that decision and honoring it for these many years we have been together (now going on 25 years), it has opened many spiritual doors to us and is a significant arrangement supporting our spiritual path. We have also chosen to make our relationship the most important thing in our lives; more important than our children, our work, or other interests (but of course that does not mean we neglect other important things), and more important than being right or winning when there are disagreements. Our relationship is our spiritual practice, and sacred sexuality is the primary form of our spiritual practice. The bond of commitment, fidelity, and monogamy create a secure platform, a cocoon of safety, and bring moral legitimacy to the most passionate sex imaginable between two lovers.
On the other hand, there are many Tantricas (practitioners of Tantric sacred sexuality) that do not make fidelity and monogamy a part of their practice. There is a long tradition in Tantra of having multiple sexual partners, including group sex. Some have obviously found value in those practices, but we do not. Naturally we can only teach what we know and what we actually practice ourselves. But we would never claim that the approach we take to sacred sexuality is the only approach or the only truth, or the only path that works. These are choices and decisions each individual and each couple must make.
It does pose a difficult challenge when one of the partners desires fidelity and monogamy but the other one wants a more open relationship sexually. In such a case each must look carefully at how important their position on this matter is to them. The crucial question is this: “Can I really expect to be happy (enduringly happy for a lifetime together) with a partner when we disagree on this, and can our relationship really thrive under such conditions?” If not, then you must find different partners. It is obviously easiest if you can both agree to make a commitment of fidelity in a monogamous relationship, or both agree on having a sexually open relationship.
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4 Freedoms Special Notice©
Tantra and Romance Luxury Retreat
and Tantra in Costa Rica
Al Link and Pala Copeland
Tantra and Romance Luxury Retreat
Autumn is almost upon us. It’s time to slow down and snuggle up with your sweetheart. And, what better place to do that than at the fabulous 5-Star Couples Resort?
This exclusive Ontario resort and spa combines the ultra luxury of one of Canada's finest year-round resorts with the pristine nature of Ontario's majestic Algonquin Park.
"Top 10 Dining Experience"
"It is here that couples come to relax, embrace love and find the time to share an adventure. This is quite literally the hottest place to be in all four seasons, with saunas, walk-in steam rooms, euro-showers, outdoor hot tubs and in-room Jacuzzi tubs in front of a wood burning fireplace." ~ North American Inns
Join us here for a weekend of luxury and learning, November 7-9. You'll take your relationship to new heights. Ignite your passion and deepen your connection on all levels at this extraordinary event, our first Tantra and Romance Luxury Retreat.
We’re delighted to be joined by fabulous facilitators Mark Sorensen and Calli.
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TEMPLE SYNERGY
Working together our focus is promote a transformational experience through interactions and teachings. Whether you are looking for a personal session with one of our many different healers, a workshop, or a sensuous party to meet like minded people, we have something for you!
Al Link and Pala Copeland
Sexy Spiritual Relationships
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"I bought this tantric toning video at the dollar store (lol), do you think tantric toning actually works?"
ANSWER
I have not heard of "tantric toning" before your question, but I do know that sex can be helpful in controlling weight and depending upon how you support your body during different sexual positions you can certainly strengthen different muscle groups.
There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. For every 3500 calories you burn (that you do not replace with food!) you will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 calories per half hour. Here’s how that stacks up against some other activities that may be part of your fitness regime: yoga 114 calories per half hour, dancing - rock 129, walking - 3mph 153, weight training 153, canoeing - 2mph 153, volleyball 174.
According to one survey reported by the Ottawa Citizen, Canadians on average have sex 7.33 times per month, lasting approximately 24.4 minutes. That means that “Joe Canada” is burning off more than 10 thousand calories a year, or about 3 pounds, in a not particularly active sex life. Those who are more sexually active, into Tantra for instance where lovemaking lasts 4 hours, would burn up 600 calories a session. At once a week that’s 31,200 calories or 9 pounds per year. Considering that people put weight on gradually, slowly gaining 5-10 pounds per year until they are overweight, it’s not unrealistic to assume that regular sexual activity is one way to help maintain a healthy body weight.
Al Link and Pala Copeland
Sexy Spiritual Relationships
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INTEGRATION EXERCISES
Exercises To Do On Your Own
NOW AND ZEN
A variation of Buddhism that asserts enlightenment can come through intuitive insight, Zen is the simplest, most direct route to enlightenment but one of the most difficult to traverse. In Zen, there is nothing to find, nothing to discover, nothing to learn, nothing to remember, nowhere to go, nothing at all to do. How difficult is that? Most difficult.
Time for Exercise: one minute to eternity
Properties Required: none
Steps:
-
Sit comfortably (or uncomfortably) in complete silence. Just stay there until you get it!
-
An option: Vow to continue sitting until you become enlightened, or until you die.
-
Another option: When ready, begin. When thirsty, drink. When hungry, eat. When tired, sleep. When curious, look. When afraid, tremble. When happy, smile. When finished, stop.
Variation:
Try sitting together and employing this option: Ask your lover to give you a whack upside the head—not too hard but enough to jolt you out of your train of thought.
Comments:
“There’s no Dharma [the way of higher truths] outside, and
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