My boyfriend and I are thinking about having sex soon (it almost happened already), and he told me he's going to pull out with a condom on though because he doesn’t wanna cum in me. He keeps asking me what I want him to do when he cums, but I thought since he's wearing a condom the sperm goes in there? What are some options he's maybe referring to?
ANSWER
Condoms are almost perfect protection, but there can be problems. For example the condom could slip off if not put onto the penis to the full length, or if the man remains inside you after he comes and the penis shrinks rapidly, it is quite easy for the condom to slip off. Absolutely, do not keep having active thrusting intercourse after he ejaculates and starts losing his erection. As soon as his penis starts to shrink after the ejaculation, he should pull out to avoid any risk of leakage of sperm into the vagina.
Another risk is that the condom could become compromised with a tear or pinhole leak. These things don't happen frequently but they do happen. Condoms are normally made from latex. But latex deteriorates if it comes into contact with oil, e.g., massage oil. Never use an oil based lubricant if you are using a condom. There are also vinyl condoms and they do not deteriorate with contact with oil. Also, there are water based and silicone based lubricants that are safe for use with latex condoms.
Ordinarily, if the man is wearing a condom, there is no need to pull out at the point of ejaculation, since all sperm will be contained inside the condom and none will gain entry to the vagina, but keep the above mentioned cautions in mind.
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What do his touches mean? Is it love or lust? Well I'm a very naive girl and I never had a boyfriend. I met my cousin (3years younger than me but looks like a MAN) on this summer vacation. It's been 7 years since we met again. Now I’m 23 and he's 20. we drank a lot together and I talked a lot about myself and family, and he did too.
I was crying and laughing and he saw so many stupid and weak sides of me. So I'm now very shy in front of him. I don't even remember all of what I told him. These days he often cuddles me and rubs my shoulders and arms, which feels good. He also fixes my hair. Last night we were sleeping together in the same room and he came over to me and hugged me from back while I was lying on my side, then he gently rubbed my pelvis (bone and thigh) and put his nose very close to my neck and breathed deep.
I didn't know what to do, so I just let him be. HonestIy I didn't hate it. We knew we were both not sleeping and he also was touching my hand while we were in the car when I was falling asleep. He's often staring at me and always smiling at me and he looks really happy to watch me.
But I want to know exactly what it means when a guy touches shoulder and arm, cuz I think it's ok between cousins, touching hands, hair, waist, hips, isn't it?
But because he's my younger cousin and I don't know if it’s too much or not. Maybe he did this as a, oh my cute cousin, she's so sweet and innocent. I love her! We are family! And now I'm overacting.
Was it too much touching for family? Is it a bit too sexual, this touching? Did he cross the line?
Well I never had a relationship so I’m not sure. But when we were drunk he kept telling me, you are the cutest girl I've ever met, you are super sexy.
Sexy? It's a bit of an awkward compliment from a younger cousin. I'm very confused, most of all because I like his touches, just not as a cousin. If he was just a man…
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It has recently come to my attention that I am a "whore." Honestly, I don’t care what people think or me because I am all about doing what you want regardless of others' judgments. But, is it really bad for women to have casual sex? I mean I know guys that do it all the time and they do not get a bad reputation for it. I guess my question here is, “Is it okay to have sex without being emotionally attached to someone?”
ANSWER
Of course, it's okay to have sex without emotional attachment. However, there should always be respect and consideration. Allow yourself to be true and real in your encounters. Make sure you are connecting with your partner, not just using them for your own purposes. Make sure you are having sex because you really want to have sex, not to fulfill some other need, like self-worth, control etc.
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Question 1: About six years ago just before my husband died unexpectedly we adopted two children. After the death of my husband our son became an important man figure in their lives. He became a sheriff. Six months ago he was killed in the line of duty. Since then his best friend who is 20 whom I have known for a while has been very caring and helpful to myself and my adopted children. When something has needed to be done around that house he stepped in. He has also done things to make the lives of the adopted children and my life better. Since doing these things I have invited him to family gatherings. He has shown up for the sports games of the children.
About two months ago he has said to me that I need to start taking some time for myself and my needs. He said that I always make the needs of others be met. He said it was my time. He said that he was able to help. Since then our relationship has further blossomed. He has asked if my wants have been met sexual lately. He and I both know they have not. He said that he would love to make love to me and satisfy me sexually. He makes me feel sexy that a younger man finds me desirable. I think he is cute and I know he is caring and loving. We have only been doing activities together as just the two of us for about two months. Do you think that is long enough to consider making love?
He has said that he would like to take me to a bed and breakfast for a few nights to provide a break from the house and the adopted children. He says that it would be a romantic time for us. I like the idea of getting away. I would imagine that he is thinking that we will have sex there. Do you think that a bed and breakfast would be a good place for us to making love if we choose to?
I am a little concerned about satisfying him sexually. I have not made love/had sex in a long time and am older than him. When I mentioned this to him he said that all he wanted to do was satisfy me sexually Do you have any advice to easing this concern?
Question 2: I have a good relationship with an attractive older woman. She is 19 years older than I am. We enjoy deep conversations. I want our relationship to become closer. I want sex with her and find it appropriate for us to have it. She has not said that she does not want sex in our relationship but she seems uncertain. She seems hesitant about our age difference. She has said that if we were closer in age things would be different. She said that she had sex for the first time in the same year I was born. She has not said that she would not enjoy sex together. How can I encourage her to think differently about age differences in regards to having sex or not? Might there be other reasons why she seems uncertain about sex?
Is it common despite age difference in a relationship for the man to want sex and find it appropriate and a woman to seem hesitant about sex in the relationship?
ANSWER
Yes, 6 months is long enough for you to begin exploring new life and sexual partners, and a bed and breakfast would be wonderful and romantic place to begin such explorations.
The most important thing in a relationship is how important that relationship is compared with other things in your life. A wide spread of years in age difference could be a problem and certainly does have its own challenges, but certainly those challenges are surmountable assuming 2 people love each other and are willing to work at making the relationship grow and thrive. Have a conversation in which both of you talk about how important is your relationship compared with other important aspects of your lives, e.g., careers, children, avocations (strong interests such as hobbies), etc.
We have found that when 2 people agree that their relationship is the most important thing, they will go to any effort to make it work, so it does work. This does not mean that other things, e.g., children are not important, on the contrary, when you have a solid relationship everything in your life and everyone in your life will benefit from the love, energy, enthusiasm and stability you bring to those other aspects of your life.
We have never found evidence that when a couple makes the relationship the most important thing, that anything else suffers, but when the relationship is low on the order of priorities, other things, particularly the children do indeed suffer.
Making your relationship the most important thing means primarily 2 things. One, that you will work real hard to make it succeed. Two, that you refer all decision making back to how it will affect the relationship.
Differences in
libido, desire for sexual activity, vary widely between men and women, but also between women themselves and between men themselves. Even 10 years ago it would perhaps have been more common for women to be more reserved and secretive about their sexual desire, but this has been changing rapidly in recent years and many women are now much more open about their interest in sexuality, and we believe this is a good thing.
There is of course the hormone difference between men and women, with men have much more testosterone and women having much more estrogen. This hormone difference does tend to make men more assertive, possibly even aggressive in their sexuality compared with women.
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I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. I've noticed since the very first time we had sex, his penis would shrink. It's weird because I don't think it's suppose to shrink while in the act. My question is: What's wrong with the shrinkage of his penis during sexual intercourse?
ANSWER
Most likely he is suffering from performance anxiety. This usually means that the man feels responsible for satisfying his woman and he becomes so preoccupied with thinking about that, he goes out of his body into his head and loses his erection. You must let him know that you are responsible for your own pleasure and orgasmic response, not him. This does not mean he is irrelevant, but only that he can’t do it for you. He can’t make you come. He can’t make you orgasmic, only you, the female, can do that for yourself. Of course it helps if he is knowledgeable, skilled, and attentive as a lover, if he goes slowly, and if he genuinely cares for and loves you.
The other issue is making sex into a goal oriented practice, i.e., it’s all about getting to orgasm. Ironically, if you both drop the goal of getting to orgasm, you will have lots more of them. Instead, replace the goal of getting to orgasm with the purpose of joining in sublime ecstatic union. Focus on giving and receiving pleasure. Be fully present in each moment, paying complete attention to each touch, each breath, each contact with the eyes. Let orgasm take care of itself.
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Me and my girlfriend are really serious for each other. We have been going around from the past 2 years and want to get married. We haven’t had sex yet and we both are virgins. We both want to have sex but sometimes we think we should wait until after we marry. Do you think we can have sex? Is it wrong?
And could you please tell me how to arouse my girlfriend to the fullest? And if we plan to have sex how do we have sex can u please guide!
ANSWER
Your first experience of sexual intercourse is a major event in life. We will not discuss the obvious need to protect yourselves from the possibility of pregnancy; rather we assume you will do that and you can find out more about how in many different places on the Internet.
Consider that lovemaking to include sexual intercourse is at once, physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual. The danger is that you only pay attention to the physical aspect as if that were all there was to it. But, because you are asking this question I am confident you will not do that.
The physical aspect is irresistibly immediate and dominant in your attention with no effort on your part at all. Be gentle with each other. Allow for the fact that you will both almost certainly feel shy, awkward and embarrassed. Laugh about the experience, before during and after, but NEVER make fun of each other; your egos will not likely stand up to such seemingly disrespectful behavior. But don’t make it into something grave and heavy, in spite of the fact that it is profound, accompanied by intense feelings, and fraught with danger.
From your question I’m assuming you love each other. Be sure to bring that love into the experience from beginning to end. You can’t tell each other too many times how much you mean to each other. For the male, it is particularly important to remind him, that as soon as he ejaculates he will feel like rolling over and going to sleep, or immediately jumping up to do something else. Doing so would be a big mistake. Take at least as much time talking about how much you love each other and how you plan to spend the rest of your lives together after the sexual intercourse ends as you did building up to the event.
Focus on giving and receiving pleasure, not having any goal of getting to orgasm, or “making it happen” for each other. Try simply to be fully present with each other from moment to moment. The more the experience can be one of giving to each other, rather than taking something, or getting something, the better the experience will be. On the other hand, if you cannot receive each other’s loving attention, the one giving will be deprived of knowing someone accepts their love. Both must give and receive to make the experience fulfilling and complete.
Go very slowly; surely you will not be in a hurry to end this marvelous exploration of each other! No, go much slower than that, even slower still.
Know it takes the young lady much longer to come to full arousal, while the man may be very quick to finish with an ejaculation that happens in just an instant. But it is likely that he will recover his erection quickly and with a repeat performance is likely to last much longer than the first time.
Open to the possibility that you may awaken your higher consciousness and touch the realm of God and Godess. Don’t be frightened by this, it is your birthright to remember who you really are, much much more than physical bodies. This is the spiritual dimension of the experience.
Be kind, be gentle, be slow, be fully present, be real, be honest, be emotionally transparent, be vulnerable, be creative.
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It didn't really bother me for a while…but it's been a few years now and he still can only cum either on me or on my face. Is it me? I've never had this problem with anyone before and i am starting to think it's a little weird. Is it psychological or emotional?
ANSWER
Sadly, it sounds like your boyfriend has been powerfully conditioned by watching pornography. I am speculating, but would bet more than a dime, that he has spent many a session getting off masturbating while watching porn movies. This practice if prolonged over a period of years, not uncommonly leads to a kind of addiction of the sort that only allows for that person to get satisfaction with the same predictable, but ultimately shallow practice of going for the cum shot, particularly the cum shot to the woman’s face. So, yes it is more than a little weird and I suggest he gets some counseling help. If he refuses this, you might consider moving on and finding a more suitable partner.
We do offer a coaching service you may wish to use.
Al and Pala Sexuality and Relationship Coaching
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My girlfriend and I are currently just starting to become sexually involved. I am 19 and at college, and she is a senior in high school. Last time we got together I pleasured her, so now it’s going to be my turn. I’m really nervous, not about her seeing or touching my penis, but about ejaculating in front of her. I don’t know how she will handle the "mess" of it, and what to do. This is new for both of us which is why I am concerned. We are very close and care about each other a lot, and although she really wants to do this, I don’t want to if it’s going to change her thoughts about me.
ANSWER
There is probably no real problem, except in your own head. Women do not typically find sperm messy, disgusting, revolting or to be any kind of turn off, although that is a possibility, particularly for women who have been sexually abused.
On the contrary, she will likely be very curious about everything to do with sex, including your ejaculation. She may even want to taste it, e.g., if you were to cum in her mouth.
To relive your concerns about this aspect of your upcoming experience, talk to her about your concerns. Most women welcome such an emotional vulnerability that you show by letting her know how you are feeling about this situation.
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What can you still do sexually while the girl is on her period?
ANSWER
Basically you can do all sorts of sexual activity while a woman is on her period. It depends entirely on how comfortable you are with the experience. Some people are put off by the blood, others aren't. In the Tantric tradition any bodily fluids related to sex are considered to be powerful and holy, including semen, saliva, vaginal secretions, and menstrual blood.
If you are concerned about the mess use lots of dark towels under your bodies to absorb any blood. Make tidying up part of your sexual play, wash each other with respect and playfulness.
For many women the days immediately before and during their periods are times of increased sexual desire. And, having orgasms is one of the best ways to help alleviate menstrual cramps and to help with mood swings. The endorphins released during sex help her feel really good.
Remember to still use a condom and/or other protection while having sex during her period, to keep you safe from STDs and from unwanted pregnancy. Although it's less likely than at other times during her cycle, a woman can get pregnant during her period.
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Is it considered sex if the penis just goes in and out of the vagina, but no sexual motions or ejaculation occurs?
Yes indeed it is sex, not just sex, but sexual intercourse. Whenever the penis enters the vagina, no matter how briefly, that's intercourse.
Is there any problem if male's organ only touches without entering to the vagina?
Ejaculate must enter the vagina for pregnancy to occur. Some sexually transmitted diseases could be passed from the vagina to the penis with the type of contact you mention. Both of these are probably unlikely.
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