ANSWER

The problem you describe, of having difficulty ejaculating when you want to, is much less common than the problem of ejaculating before you are ready, but many men do suffer from this situation.

Ironically, the cause for both is likely to be the same. Let me explain.

Most men want to be good lovers and lots of men want to be great lovers. This is a good thing, but can have some undesirable consequences depending upon how a man pursues his goal. In fact, that is the problem and the common source for both premature ejaculation and not being able to ejaculate even when you are ready to do so, i.e., turning lovemaking into a goal oriented project.

Setting goals and implementing strategies to accomplish them is a useful thing to do. A man can certainly use this method to accomplish many worthwhile things in life, but great lovemaking is not one of them!
The mistake men make is to have getting to orgasm as the goal of their lovemaking, and beyond that, to have both partners climax at the same instant is the big jackpot. If they have any success in this, then getting to orgasm, simultaneous climax for both lovers, becomes a way to keep score, and when you get to orgasm in this way, presumably you have evidence, proof, that you are a really great lover. Then you try to remember what you did, and repeat those steps (i.e., apply a strategy), to get the same result as before. This is a performance.

But it does not take long before performance anxiety sets in. The man becomes so focused on getting somewhere, i.e., to the goal of orgasm, that he loses touch with the present moment. Each act is reduced to being a means to an end, in other words, to get to the next step, to get somewhere other than where you are, to get to a future place, a future outcome, a future goal. Nothing along the way has particular value, as its primary function is not what it is, but where it will get you to. This is all in the head, not in the body. So in this way the man is out of touch with his body, and this is not good for lovemaking. For great lovemaking you must be in your body, not in your head.

The way to be in your body is to pay attention to sensory information. That is, direct sensory information, e.g., seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching, not naming the things that you see, and hear, and smell, etc., and not thinking about them, but rather, just experiencing them directly using the senses of your body. This brings you instantly into the now moment, and thinking becomes still, calm, irrelevant.

If you can drop the goal of getting to orgasm, then no performance is required. There is nowhere to get to, you are no longer touching her in a certain way in order to turn her on, or in order to turn yourself on, or in order to get to ejaculation, you are simply touching her, and you are paying complete attention to that touch, feeling it, not thinking about it, not naming what you are doing, just being in the touch. The same is true for her touching you. In this way each taste, each touch, each caress, each connection of the eyes, each breath, etc., retains its perfect richness, quality, meaning, and value.

There is no performance anxiety in this, and when all the performance anxiety drops away, men discover that they can delay ejaculation if that is what they choose, or they can ejaculate if that is what they choose. Then ejaculation becomes a completely natural, organic, voluntary  response, not something you have to work hard to either avoid or achieve. This is how a man gains mastery of his ejaculation response.

Our eBook, Voluntary Ejaculation and Male Sexual Mastery is a complete course for helping men learn ejaculation mastery.

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Classic Texts and Modern Practices

The term “sacred sex” may seem somewhat of an oxymoron in western society, a contradiction in terms. Suggesting that you can find your way to God through sexual activity has been a bit like suggesting you can eat your way to thin-ness. Partaking in wildly passionate sex and seeking an intensely spiritual life just haven’t been part of the same curriculum. We’ve been taught that pursuing sexual pleasure, enjoyable as that may be, is at best hedonistic and at worst damaging for our souls. To be a highly spiritual person is to be essentially sexless. It’s an either / or situation.

But that view is changing. The concept of sacred sex, finding spiritual union through a sexual one, is slowly gaining ground in North America. Our psyches are certainly ripe for it. As a society we’re obsessed with sex. In part it’s a lustily healthful obsession, a celebratory dance of life’s great force, but much of it flounders in darkness and neurosis – sex for power, sex for profit, sex for oblivion. We use and abuse sex for everything from selling soap to making or breaking political leaders.

At the same time there’s a spiritual hunger running rampant through the land. The ache for meaning stretches from radical through traditional—from new age spiritual to long-established religious, from pagan to fundamentalist. We’re all screaming for substance.

Well why not unite the two? Bring sex and spirit together and find your magic! The idea’s definitely not a new one. Ritualized sex has been an acknowledged sacred pathway in Eastern philosophies for several thousand years. Tantra, probably the most commonly known form of sacred sexuality, has its home in branches of the Hindu and Buddhist cultures of India and Tibet. Based on a belief that the union of male and female principles (yin and yang, yab and yum) will lead to enlightenment, traditional Tantra uses a complex series of sounds, visualizations, breath control, and sexual positions combined with prayerful thought to reach the heights of godly bliss.

Think about it. Doesn’t this make sense? Aren’ you a bit currious to explore these ideas and practices a bit more?

Al Link and Pala Copeland – 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra