My girlfriend gave birth to our daughter 20 months ago and after about 3 months we started having sex about 1 a week, then about 2 months ago she said she didn't want sex anymore and haven't really wanted it since our daughter was born. Is it normal to go off sex, and why? What are the main causes at such a long time after birth? My partner does enjoy sleep and is slightly overweight; is this a problem? I really hope you can help as I feel pushed out and it is making me paranoid.
ANSWER
There can be a number of reasons why your girlfriend is not interested in sex right now. Here are a few:
1. Physical/Hormonal: her hormones may be out of whack after pregnancy. She may be producing more prolactin and oxytocin (which are affectionate and bonding, but not sexual) and very little testosterone (which is the sex driver). This is quite common, but usually returns to pre-pregnancy levels within a year. I'd suggest she have this tested — ask her doctor. You might also try some natural libido enhancers.
See our aphrodisiacs for women page for some suggestions.
2. Physical/Tired: Is she getting enough sleep? Lots of women don't get enough rest when looking after a new baby. Are there ways you can help to make sure she gets the sleep she needs. Is she getting any exercise? Exercise boosts testosterone.
3. Emotional: Sometimes women who become mothers become very tied to their babies and see themselves in a "mother" role. Issues of the morality about being a very sexual being while being a mother can come up. Try reassuring her about her sexiness, that it's a wonderful thing you enjoy, not demand. Let her know you'll do whatever you can to help her be the best she can as a mother and a lover. Make your loving advances very affectionate. Take time and care when approaching her for sex. You might consider our ebook
Awakening Women's Orgasm for suggestions.
Anyway, rest assured you're not alone (although it may feel this way) and that with time, patience and understanding your partner in childrearing can again become your partner in joyous sex.
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I have been dating this guy for a few weeks and I have had sex with two guys and he is a virgin. He is pretty religious. I don’t really know where he stands about sex before marriage and I’m too embarrassed to ask. And I feel awkward trying to make advances towards him. I want to have sex with him but I don’t know what to do about this whole situation, please help.
ANSWER
My belief is that being open and honest about what is really going on will be the only way to enter into a relationship with any chance of surviving in the long term. If you don’t care about that then it doesn’t really matter if you communicate your needs and desires and true feelings. If it turns him off and he leaves, by your own admission that does not matter.
On the other hand, if you do care about a longer term relationship then telling him what you need and desire (and sharing some of your past behaviours) will set the stage to find out if you are compatible. If you use deceit to keep him around longer, eventually your dark secrets will be revealed and then he is likely to leave because the relationship was built upon a foundation of shifting sand and cannot sustain commitment and honesty and will not provide support for the ongoing emotional, psychological and spiritual growth that will become increasingly important as you advance in age and maturity.
Tell all and if that scares him away, better to find out now rather than later, unless you have years to waste playing games.
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I have a hard time looking my husband in the eyes while we have sex. How do I change this? I am extremely comfortable with him and sex so this is a weird thing for me. Any advice?
ANSWER
It is quite common for people to have trouble looking into each others eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul and holding eye contact is a high form of intimacy. To overcome your shyness try this simple exercise.
In a non-sexual setting, sit facing each other comfortably with eyes open. One person sends love and the other receives, for one minute. Do not talk during the exercise. Later reverse the sending and receiving. Then add it to your lovemaking by keeping your eyes open during sex.
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My sister and I were talking the other night and she asked me if I had ever heard about a woman having a "tickler". I told her I had not and asked what she was referring to. She told me that her husband had told her that there is a spot in her, that when he hits it, it tickles his head and makes him ejaculate immediately. I have been looking for the answer to this and have found nothing, but my guess is that it is her cervix. Can you please tell me what you think? I pride myself on knowing a lot about sex and I am always wanting to learn more.
ANSWER
I've never heard about a "tickler" before either. But I think you're probably right about it being the cervix and the area just behind where the cervix enters the vagina. Barbara Keesling, in her book Super Sexual Orgasm calls this spot the "cul de sac". There's also references to the power of this spot in the ancient Arabian love manual The Perfumed Garden.
When a woman is very aroused her vagina expands and lengthens. If she has a certain amount of control over her vaginal muscles she can push down, exposing this special spot to the head of her man's penis. It brings great pleasure to both partners.
Al Link and Pala Copeland
Sexy Spiritual Relationships
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I'm a 19-year-old, single girl. I think about sex a lot. Sometimes I have a strong desire for it that makes me crazy! But I don't want to lose my virginity before marriage. Also masturbation is not acceptable in my religion. Please tell me what to do. I can't tolerate it anymore.
ANSWER
I empathize with your problem. Sexual desire is a very strong force and it's a good one too — without it there'd be no more people on the planet!
Although many religions say that masturbation is not a good thing, I think this comes mostly from the idea long ago that a man should not waste his seed. He should be using it for making children, not that the act of self-pleasuring is in itself a bad thing.
In ancient Eastern cultures masturbation was an acceptable practice that helped one learn about one's sexual arousal and as a pleasurable alternative to risking unwanted pregnancy. Also, the idea is that human bodies are microcosms of the universe, so that when one is making love to oneself, one is making love to the world.
However, if you really feel that masturbation is not something you can allow yourself to do because of shame and guilt, you can learn to work with your sexual energy and circulate it throughout your system as a healing and energizing force. This practice is good to continue when you become sexually active as well.
Try this:
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In what ways can the Kama Sutra improve serious relationships?
For most couples, if they can get the sex right, the rest of their relationship problems can be worked out much more easily. This is because to get the sex right requires that they do their inner spiritual work to become fit for relationship, which simply means that they learn how to give and receive love. One of the primary ways lovers give and receive love is with sexual lovemaking. The Kama Sutra emphasizes the
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Heart Freedom Exercises
Exercises To Do Together
I’m Yours
Time for Exercise: 15 minutes to one hour
Properties Required: colored pens with washable ink suitable for writing on skin
Steps:
1.Take turns writing loving, sexy statements on your body and your lover’s body.
2.Read each other aloud “like a book.”
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My wife fantasies about having sex with another woman. When she watches a movie or talks about this she gets horny.
She loves to do this when we are having sex and tells me how it would all play out. Later she says that she probably would mot do it, but also comments that she does not want to die stupid and maybe someday would like to try it. I know that she would have to pick out the other woman. How would I go about this and let her believe that this is what she wants to do.
ANSWER
It is a common fantasy to have sex with same sex partners, and of course homosexuality and bisexuality are normal human sexuality preferences, even if treated harshly by some segments of our communities.
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How can I reassure my boyfriend that I was a virgin if I did not bleed with our first experience of sexual intercourse?
ANSWER
Not every woman bleeds the first time she has intercourse. In fact, many don’t. There are lots of ways the hymen (the “skin cover” or very thin membrane that partially covers the opening to the vagina) can be stretched or broken—everything from using a tampon for menstrual periods, to penetration with fingers during foreplay, to sports activities or vigorous exercise.
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"Is there a particular sexual intercourse position that is best for the first time we make love?"
ANSWER
A bad first experience can be difficult to reverse or overcome later, so get the first time right.
There are many positions for sexual intercourse and no particular reason why you should try one first, although it is probably most common for the man to be on top the first time, but that is not any kind of rule.
Far more important is that you go slowly and not go for penetration until she is completely ready for it and wants it totally. Good indications that she is ready, willing, and able will be that she is well lubricated, moving her body (not lying still), making noise (not being quiet), pulling you tight and close with her body, and that she is asking, even begging for you to enter her.
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