I have a question about role playing in sex. I am 50 and have a serious relationship with a man who is 51. Both of us have come out of a long marriage and have been Divorced 3-5 years. We are very compatible and connect deeply on all levels. We have a great sex life but I know there are some issues he has from spending most of his previous marriage without sex and belittled in other areas–he is working on those things.

During sex he likes to talk “dirty” and have me respond like “you are my whore to take as i want” etc. he likes the response i make affirming that. He wants to know he can have me sexual whenever–even if he doesn’t actually do anything. There is also the balance of nurturing and respect during sex as he is all about my satisfaction and in the relationship there is love and compassion for each other and where we are in life.

My question is I don’t mind the role playing but i think a lot has to do with his issues from previous partner and i wondered what I should do to help him not need me to agree so much with whatever he is fantasizing. There is no pain or humiliation just words of wanting him. I am more sensual where he is what i would call more primal in approach to sex. We have found a balance but i want to know if i should try and help him beyond this aspect or just let him have his fantasy as long as i am Ok with it.

ANSWER

Fantasies can add a lot of spicy interest to lovemaking, as long as both partners remain respectful of each other’s desires and limitations, which so far seems to be the situation as you describe it. So far so good. But as I read between the lines, I am assuming you are not completely comfortable with the situation, and would prefer an easing up on the dirty talking scenarios.

One possibility is to request that any dirty talking that takes place is timed differently, i.e., delivered if and only if you are ready for it. Being ready for it, typically means that such talk would only happen after the female partner is fully aroused and as rip roaring ready to go as the male partner. However, based upon what you say, this may not be a viable option, considering he likes to deliver this type of aggressive, controlling, dominating talk at any time, including at the very beginning or even if he has no real interest in sex at all.

If that is accurate, I suspect he has some fairly serious issues regarding power and control in relationships, and in working those issues out sexually. The danger is if there is an escalation of this talk into behaviors, which may not be as benign as the simple dirty talking.  Be sure to set out your boundaries for him to know, very clearly. In this regard do not be nice; really let him know as specifically as you can what you accept and do not tolerate. As any behaviors arise that test your limits, give your response and feedback immediately; don’t let it slide assuming it will just go away or fix itself.

If it becomes clear that these issues are more serious than these suggestions will manage effectively, then I suggest he gets some coaching/counseling/therapy t deal with the underlying dynamics of this situation.

4freedoms@tantraloving.com
www.sexyspiritualrelationships.com
www.tantra-sex.com

ANSWER

Yes of course you deserve something. He was being a selfish jerk. But if you get angry it will not be helpful, not even a little bit helpful. What would be helpful is if you reveal to your fiancé that his lack of attention to you on this special lovers romantic holiday hurts your feelings. And of course this desire to have him carry you in his thoughts and in his heart would extend to every day of the year, not just on special days such as Valentine’s, or birthdays, or anniversaries. When you respond by revealing that his indifference to you hurt you, and perhaps that it makes you afraid that he does not love you (only if that is a real fear of course), means you are opening your heart to him, because opening your heart means that you have the courage to take the risk by daring to reveal what you are feeling and this makes you emotionally vulnerable and transparent. On the other hand, anger typically results in making him want to fight or run away, which is what he did by storming out of the house in a huff. His angry response at being called on his callous and indifferent behavior toward you was only a childish ego defense. If he does not respond well to your revealing that his behavior hurts you or makes you afraid, you are advised to think long and carefully if you want to go ahead with marriage to this man. If things are not good before marriage, they are not likely to be better after marriage.

Al Link and Pala Copeland