I am confused. Why do I deserve to suffer like this? I had bad relationships in the past and now, I was so lucky to find true love who accepted me for who I am. We have always been okay in the past 7 years. We were inseparable but things have changed when I chose to get my life back with my family. I trusted him so much that I didn’t believe his confession of having another girl.

Two years have passed and our anniversary was coming up. He was feeling guilty of something that made him visit me. We talked about it and we thought everything was okay. Yes, he really was having another girl but I felt that he was not telling me everything. Out of curiosity, I made an investigation and found the missing pieces of his story. It was a long week of argumentation until I was feeling okay and asked for more details. He was very honest to confess everything even the ones that happened few years ago. He did not just have another “girl”.

He had three. He slept with two (who were our close friends) and fell in love with one (and been together for 3 weeks) while we are officially in a relationship. The worst part was that he slept with one girl right in our very own love bed. I am not a jealous type of person but it was too late for him to confess. I was very possessive when it comes to the things we share. He explained that it was unexpected. What can he do, he’s just a man.

I was so stupid of trusting him that much. I was doing my best to get my life back. I was confident that I am his only one, true love that he could not bear being with someone else while I was away. I was wrong! It was a bad joke when I told him it’s okay to have fun. It was also my fault of nagging him on not finding someone to fool around with and he took it as a challenge.

If he really loves me, he will do everything to avoid it, even when the situation calls unexpectedly. I felt betrayed, deeply back stabbed three times simultaneously and leaving me there helpless, suffering to die. I cannot imagine him spending good time with someone else while I was at church and spending family time.

I am glad that he was honest but the hurt won’t fade that easy.

Arguments still arise and sometimes we feel like giving up. I don’t know how to put the trust back to him. I became paranoid and it’s driving me crazy. We still feel the love for each other but it was not the same like before. We still talk the usual way but whenever I remember something, argument will arise. Some things were not normal anymore. I was planning to visit him but something is holding me back.

I need to be with him but I have no choice to stay with my family at the moment.

Being not the first boyfriend and having an affair is not the same.

This is all about trust and loyalty. He has been a part of me ever since I met him and I feel like dying when I think of losing him forever. Thinking and analyzing what had happened felt like I was buried alive. I need a solution to end my doubts. How can I get this bad memory out of my head?

ANSWER

You are indeed in a difficult situation. The only one who can change it is you.

Some things to think about:

1.  The best way to create a successful relationship is to begin by accepting your partner exactly as he or she is and loving him/her completely and without reservation. This does not mean that you have to accept behavior that is hurtful or deceitful. You can love someone and choose not to be with them because their beliefs and behaviors do not coincide with yours.

2.  Have you had a full discussion with your boyfriend about what you want and need in a relationship? Have you talked about fidelity and what that means to both of you? Do you want him to be faithful to you? Does he agree with this? Have you made a commitment to each other to be in a monogamous relationship? It’s extremely important that you both are very clear about this issue. Make sure he is telling you what he really wants, not what you want to hear.

3.  If he wants to be with you but wants to be with other women at the same time, are you willing and able to carry on in this type of open relationship?

4.  If he says he will be faithful, but continues to see other women, and then confesses to you about it later, are you willing to continue to see him in spite of his betrayal?

5.  FORGIVENESS is essential. If you are going to stay together, you must forgive him for his past transgressions. You are not forgiving his actions at all, but you are forgiving him, as a man who is trying his best to find his way in the world. Forgiveness is as much for you as it is for him. It is the only way to let go of the past pain and not let it be suffering now. Holding on to past hurt, continuing to bring it into the present by talking about it, thinking about it, and so on will only cause you more suffering — emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Sit with him and together go through this beautiful meditation from Stephen and Ondrea Levine (see below)

Wishing you much love and joy

Pala

Forgiveness Meditation
(Stephen and Ondrea Levine)

The forgiveness meditation is an experiment in truth, to make the heart light so there is room for mercy, not just for your partner but for all humanity.

In this meditation you forgive the actor, not the action.

Sit facing each other, a couple of feet apart. Look into each other’s eyes. Look softy, this is not a staring contest, nor a competition to show who is “more forgiving.”

Looking into each other’s eyes take a moment to see what creates any separation between you—self-consciousness, fear, self-image, mistrust, etc. Realize that whatever is separating your from your partner is not you, it’s just conditioned baggage you carry.

Looking into each other’s eyes say silently in your heart, “I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you may have done in the past to cause me pain, intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive you.”

Gently allow the possibility to forgiveness to flow between you as an experiment in truth. In your heart say, “For whatever you have done, in words, actions, even thoughts that have caused me pain, I forgive you.”

Let your belly be soft. Let mercy flow between you. This is another human being, who like you only wishes to be happy. Another human being who also is filled with fear and judgment. Such pain we carry that spills out on others unintentionally. In your heart say, “I forgive you.”

Let you breath keep flowing, your belly soft. Let allowing do the work for you—allow forgiveness. See what blocks your forgiveness and let it go through your soft belly. Have mercy. “I forgive you for whatever you may have done in the past that caused me pain, through your words, actions, or thoughts, however you caused me pain I forgive you now, I forgive you now.”

Let it happen…allow…allow the heart to forgive. Instead of trying to forgive, allow it.

It’s so painful to put someone out of your heart. Have mercy on you and forgive them.

Now let your eyes close and maintain your sense of connection. “I forgive you for your confusion, for moments of forgetfulness and destruction. I forgive you.”

Softly, gently let your eyes open and look into each other’s eyes.

In your heart say, “I ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you forgive me. I ask that you let me wholly into your heart, that you forgive me, that you have mercy on my pain and confusion. I ask that you forgive me.”

Have mercy on you, allow yourself to be forgiven. Allow yourself to be touched by the possibility of their forgiveness. There are so many ways we put ourselves out of our hearts, let yourself back in. Have mercy on them.

“I ask that you forgive me for whatever I have done in the past that caused you pain, through words, actions, or thoughts, however I may have caused you distress I ask that you forgive me.”

Let it go. Let go of the separation that is too painful to bear. “I ask that you forgive me.”

Let your eyes close. Let them rest, soft eyes closing. Maintaining the flow between you, maintaining the desire, the willingness to be forgiven. “However I have caused you pain in the past I ask that you forgive me. I ask to be let back into any part of your heart, no matter how small, that I caused myself to be excluded from because of my unskillful, unintentional actions, even my intentional actions, I ask that you forgive me.”

With your eyes still closed turn to yourself in your heart and say “I forgive you” to yourself.

Say “I forgive you” to you—who too only wishes to be happy. Who hides fear, dread, anger and grief and finds it so hard to just be in this world. Have mercy on you. Say “I forgive you” to you.

In your heart call to yourself by your own first name and say “I forgive you” to you. You could look the whole world over and never find another human being more deserving of love than yourself. Have mercy. There’s no one in the world more deserving of love than yourself. Call yourself by your first name and say “I forgive you” to you.

Let yourself back into your heart, “I forgive you” to you. Let it in, have mercy. Let go of this incessant judgment. If your mind says it’s self-indulgent to forgive yourself, this merciless mind, this unkind mind, forgive it too.

Now let your eyes open and look into the eyes of your partner. Just see this being sitting there. This being too who has such a hard time giving themselves mercy, and know that you are looking into the eyes of the beloved. Whatever separates you from this person you’re looking into separates you from God.

This is your beloved, this is your true nature.

Embrace the beloved.

ANSWER

Yes of course you deserve something. He was being a selfish jerk. But if you get angry it will not be helpful, not even a little bit helpful. What would be helpful is if you reveal to your fiancé that his lack of attention to you on this special lovers romantic holiday hurts your feelings. And of course this desire to have him carry you in his thoughts and in his heart would extend to every day of the year, not just on special days such as Valentine’s, or birthdays, or anniversaries. When you respond by revealing that his indifference to you hurt you, and perhaps that it makes you afraid that he does not love you (only if that is a real fear of course), means you are opening your heart to him, because opening your heart means that you have the courage to take the risk by daring to reveal what you are feeling and this makes you emotionally vulnerable and transparent. On the other hand, anger typically results in making him want to fight or run away, which is what he did by storming out of the house in a huff. His angry response at being called on his callous and indifferent behavior toward you was only a childish ego defense. If he does not respond well to your revealing that his behavior hurts you or makes you afraid, you are advised to think long and carefully if you want to go ahead with marriage to this man. If things are not good before marriage, they are not likely to be better after marriage.

Al Link and Pala Copeland