A follow up question of the previous Q & A: “It makes quite uncomfortable for me“.

Thank you so much for getting back to me, and also thank you for the suggestions.

I have been doing kegel exercises for a while. I did them mainly to  keep my vagina “in shape”. Not sure if that is the truth or a myth, but I will have to try tipping my pelvis to help him find the “cul-de-sace”.

I get very distracted and have trouble relaxing for pure pleasure if I am worried about “limiting” his experience.

If I am riding him cowgirl and facing him, is it better if I lean more  down toward him or sit up a bit more?

ANSWER:

1. The “cul-de-sac” is very real, I know this from personal experience (yummy) and it’s been written about since the ancient love classic the Perfumed Garden.

You can find out more about it and many exercises to help discover this spot in Barbara Keesling’s book Super Sexual Orgasm. Here’s a link so you can check it out

2. Re: thoughts getting in your way, this is essentially part of the  learning experience — as you introduce new practices it takes a while to make them a natural part of your lovemaking — this will pass and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy everything. Just think of yourself as a student in the art of love, you don’t know how to do it all now and you don’t have to! Enjoy the learning process together.

3. Re: cowgirl facing forward, bending over toward him makes penetration more shallow, sitting up makes it deeper. But, by using your thighs and your vaginal muscles(a great workout) you can  determine the depth either way.  For a fun twist, try sitting astride him facing his feet, bend over and  play with his feet as you move up and down — he’ll love the view!

All good things,

4freedoms@tantraloving.com

www.sexyspiritualrelationships.com

www.tantra-sex.com

“YabYum” (variation – “see saw”)

Your attention at this point is on working with the life force energy that has been built up during active lovemaking. Do some PC squeezing (Kegels) to help you circulate the hot sexual energy away from your genitals up through your body through the higher chakra centers. Try to exchange your sexual / spiritual energy with your lover, and ultimately use it to make a direct connection with the Divine.

Excerpted from our Tantra and Kama Sutra Sex Positions eBook.

4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra

Al Link and Pala Copeland

NEXT POST-Kama Sutra Sex Position Sitting – Yab Yum – variation “full see saw”

With female ejaculation, we can’t predict when it’s going to happen and it’s always when my partner is using his fingers. Can you explain this and is there a way that we can make this something we can do when we want to rather than a surprise?

ANSWER

Here’s some things to consider about female ejaculation. The most important elements are: arousal, hydration, muscle control and pelvic tilt.

It’s easier to have an ejaculation when you are very excited, well hydrated and with your pelvis tilted forward.

Practice your PC squeezes a lot. Focus not only on squeezing, but pushing out, using your ab muscles as well as those in your vagina.

Ejaculation with finger stimulation is usually one of the easiest ways for women as they are learning this practice. Pay particular attention to the sensations you feel when you do ejaculate. Can you recall what happened and how you felt just before? When he is stimulating you with his fingers, tilt your pelvis up and push down and out with abs and vaginal muscles.

For ejaculation during intercourse, try with woman on top. When you are very excited, use thrusting patterns that tilt your pelvis vigorously back, then forward. On the forward thrust, endeavor to envelop Jim’s penis very deeply inside and push down with your abs and vaginal muscles.

Have fun practicing!

We’ll have a video out at the beginning of November that teaches about female ejaculation. Check back with our website then.

4freedoms@tantraloving.com
www.sexyspiritualrelationships.com
www.tantra-sex.com

I’ve been wanting to explore sacred sex for a couple of years now. I am a 37 y/o male in excellent physical health. My current relationship has been turbulent at times partly due to personality conflicts and also my impatience/over reaction to the dreaded premature ejaculation. I am vasectomized and thought that this was the cause. For over 1 year I have not been able to have intercourse for more than 1 minute give or take ( 2 seconds is my record!). This became worse when I started Kegel exercises.

We have had terrific sex but I seem to be experiencing some difficulties now.

I have discontinued Kegels. I am very confused about esoteric sexual practices. I have read a lot of Mantak Chia material and find it confusing to understand. It seems that I’m caught in a cycle of sexual scarcity and naturally the more frustrated and panicky I become the more my partner is turned off altogether.  I’ve become afraid to initiate sex.

I don’t know how to begin. We are both discouraged, I am frustrated and irritable all the time because I don’t feel like a good lover and we are avoiding sex most of the time because it causes a lot of drama. Currently we are considering splitting up after 3 years. I feel very sad. I am however absolutely fascinated by tantric sex and desire to be a lifelong student of this way of connecting. I need to know that this ejaculation issue is resolvable with some techniques. I have absolutely no problem getting an erection, it’s just too sensitive and engorged with huge amounts of precum. How do I move that energy around without exploding? I’ve tried a lot of things but inevitably am trumped by the all-powerful Vagina every time. I am no match for her power.

Al I had read that you too had a vasectomy. Did it affect your ejaculation control or your prostate?

Any suggestions would be great. I really admire what you 2 do for people and each other. I hope to be so lucky some day in such a partnership.

ANSWER

Your situation is very serious if you are considering separation, and lasting only a few seconds before ejaculation must be quite frustrating for you and your partner, not to mention how hard it is on a man’s self-esteem.

First, the vasectomy is not an issue, although you might have made some assumptions that have turned into beliefs now lodged in your subconscious about this that are complicating the problem. Such contents of the subconscious can be removed. We can help you do that either at a workshop or during telephone coaching.

We have helped many men overcome premature ejaculation. We can train you to make ejaculation completely voluntary.

You must learn to move the hot sexual energy up away from the prostate. There are many methods to do that.

You say when you started doing Kegels it made your situation worse. I suspect that was because you were not doing them correctly (it is not about strength, no about how hard you squeeze, but rather squeezing in the right way. Also, you may not have persisted in your practice long enough.

We can also help you de-mystify the practices taught by Mantak Chia. Here is what he said on the cover of our first published book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two.

“The core of Tantra and Tao acknowledge that through sexual love the relationship between man and woman can support the two of them on their return to the light. Copeland and Link present this work with enthusiasm and compassion. They represent the new generation of spiritual sexuality work that will give realistic support to sincere, dedicated couples.”

Here are some options for you to choose from, to get the help you need.

Free Articles by Al Link and Pala Copeland

Ejaculation Mastery

Voluntary Ejaculation

Voluntary Ejaculation and Male Sexual Mastery eBook by Al Link and Pala Copeland

Penis Strengthening and Ejaculation Mastery Video by Loren Johnson

TANTRIC YOGA & SEXUAL KUNG FU FOR MEN

Workshops with Al Link and Pala Copeland

Introduction to Tantra Weekend (With 3 Couples)

Private Session (Weekend or Middle of the Week)

Ejaculation Training Device  (The High Tech – High Touch Solution!)

Another option is to do telephone coaching.

My recommendation, what I would do if I were in your situation, take the private weekend. We can devote our complete attention to you, and take as long as necessary to help you deal with your particular challenges and needs. I am confident we can help you overcome this issue with a private session.

Call me toll free if you want to discuss these options: 1-800-684-5308

All good things,

ANSWER

No wonder you are confused, but I wouldn’t go accusing your partner of fooling around just yet. This sudden onset of extreme tightness may be a condition called “vaginismus”. Vaginismus is a spasm in the musculature of the outer third of the vagina which makes insertion difficult or impossible. For some women, this muscle spasm is painful; for others, it is not.
According to the Mount Sinai Hospital (Toronto, Canada) website: “It is widely believed that in most cases of vaginismus, the spasm is triggered either by pain or the anticipation of pain (emotional or physical pain). Much like the way an eyelid closes when something comes to close to the eye or a muscle flinches in response to an imminent punch, vaginismus is like a vaginal flinch.
It is in some sense protecting the area, even though the woman doesn’t want it to. Some women have fears or guilt regarding intercourse, others have physical pain problems, and still others have no obvious cause for their condition. One perplexing aspect of vaginismus is that often the spasm remains long after the woman has dealt with any anxieties or physical problems. So learning to control and eliminate this spasm is how one cures vaginismus.”
In your partner’s case, if she is indeed experiencing vaginismus, it could well have been precipitated by the extra large dildo you played with shortly before her new “tightness” came about, now her vagina may be trying to protect itself.
Learning to control her vaginal muscles will help relax them. She can experiment with Kegel exercises, endeavoring to contract and then relax her vagina muscles — the easiest way to learn to do this is to stop the flow of urine in midstream, that identifies the right muscles and then she squeezes and relaxes them on a regular basis. She may have already learned this in preparation for childbirth, many women do.

Meditation, bio-feedback, and Pilates can help. As can working with a small dildo (vibrating or not), inserting it slowly and gently to help relax the muscle spasm.
Also genital massage can be a big help. You do this for her–she can give you a genital massage too. Instructions are below.
Wishing you both all the best and a happy, satisfying sex life, Pala
Yoni Massage

The Yoni massage, or female genital massage, brings healing and emotional opening. Your intention is not arousal, or orgasm, although these may well occur, but rather to help your lover become more sensitive, relaxed and connected to her yoni—her sacred temple. Much frustration, pain and trauma are held in the tissues of the vagina, loving massage can help discharge them. This process may bring up strong emotions—feelings of fear or anxiety and joyous outpourings of release. It may take several sessions before her yoni has healed so that she can fully enjoy the range of sexual pleasures it holds.

• Your lover lies on her back, a towel-covered pillow under her hips.
• Her legs are apart, knees slightly bent.
• Sit between her legs.
• Look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly and deeply together.
• Gently massage her legs, belly and torso, advancing without haste to her inner thighs and pelvis.
• When she is relaxed move to her yoni, and, asking permission to honor this most sacred spot, pour a good quality water-based lubricant on her mound      and begin to massage it slowly.
• “Slowly” is a key point for this entire massage.
• Gently squeezing each outer lip between thumb and forefinger, stroke up and down.
• Ask her to tell you if she wants more pressure or speed or softness.
• Repeat the stroking, squeezing motion on her inner lips.
• Move to her clitoris, circling, squeezing, gently pulling.
• When you feel she is ready ask permission to enter her enchanted garden and gently insert your finger—some women like two fingers.
• Crook your finger in a “come hither” motion and press it against the walls just inside the entrance of her vaginal canal.
• Explore all around this wonderful opening, fraction of an inch by fraction of an inch.
• If you encounter spots that are painful or tight stop movement but continue to press your finger there.
• Breathe together. You may notice tingling or heat as the tension releases.
• Move a little deeper into her honey pot and again press all around.
• This is the area of the g-spot, which can be extremely sensitive—its spongy tissue is a storehouse of sexual frustration and pain—so move     respectfully.
• Some women feel a burning or a desire to urinate when the g-spot is awakening, continue to apply pressure and allow the sensation to pass.
• Move deeper still, straightening your finger and pressing along the sides as you go farther back toward the cervix.
• Wherever she feels trauma or pain stop movement, press the spot firmly, breathe deeply, until there is a release.
• If your lover would like you to, as you continue your internal massage begin to stimulate her clitoris with your other hand awakening her to a    state of high arousal.
• She may experience orgasm—clitorally or vaginally or in combination.
• When she feels she’s had enough, slowly take your hands away.
• Complete your massage by gently holding her in your loving arms.

Lingam Massage

Men too, need gentle healing of their genitals—a purging of emotional and energetic blockages. When a man holds frustration and hurts in his genital region the muscles can be tight, affecting his capacity for erection and his ability to master ejaculation. The lingam massage relaxes these tense muscles and helps a man open to his receptive side so he may experience deeper levels of pleasure. If the massage brings up strong emotions for your lover encourage him to allow them out.

• Your lover lies on his back, a towel-covered pillow under his hips.
• His legs are apart, knees slightly bent.
• Sit between his legs.
• Look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly and deeply together.
• Gently massage his legs, belly and torso, advancing without haste to his inner thighs and pelvis.
• Ask permission to honor his ‘wand of light’, and with a good quality lubricant deeply massage the muscles at the top of his inner thighs, in the crease where his legs and pelvic floor meet. Work along the connecting bone and muscles, releasing tension as you go.
• “Slowly” is a key point for this entire massage.
• Ask him to tell you when he wants more or less pressure or a change of stroke or to touch a different spot.
• Massage above his lingam on the pubic bone.
• Move down to the scrotum, gently kneading and pulling his testicles.
• Pay special attention to the perineum, circling and pushing the tissues there.
• Bring your loving touch to his lingam, stroking the shaft with varying pressure and speed. With alternating hands slide up from the base of the       shaft to the head and then off. Repeat this movement and then reverse direction—slide from the top down.
• Hold his lingam by its head and gently shake it back and forth.
• Thoroughly massage the head of his lingam.
• He may or may not get an erection. If he does it may come and go throughout your massage.
• If he finds the massage arousing and feels he is coming close to ejaculation slow down or stop your massaging or move to a different spot, for     instance the perineum. Breathe deeply together.
• Move from perineum to testicles to lingam and back again, paying attention to different areas as he rises to a peak and then backs off. The lingam massage is a great aid to learning ejaculation mastery.
• Perhaps he would like to ejaculate to end the massage or he may want to retain his sexual energy. Whatever his preference, when he feels he’s had    enough remove your hands slowly and reverently.
• He may like you to hold him in your arms to complete your session.

Al Link and Pala Copeland