I am a female. I've been married for 6 years and only recently that I began to realize that I am rough in bed. Are there ways for me to behave more gently? I wonder where did I go wrong.
ANSWER
There's no one "right" way to make love. A skilled, knowledgeable lover employs a wide range of practices, from slow and gentle to fast and furious. That's what helps keep passion and romance alive in a relationship over many years.
You don't have to lose your "rough" side — there's plenty of room for fierceness when you are in the heat of passion. All you need to do is add other elements too.
Why is it when I have sex doggie style it hurts me; it feels like they are hitting my bladder?
ANSWER
It could be the angle or depth of penetration that's causing you discomfort. It could also be the speed and forcefulness of thrusting. Other factors can be the size of your vagina compared to the size of your partner's penis.
Here are some suggestions to experiment with:
1. try only engaging in rear-entry positions later on in lovemaking, when you are very aroused. Your vagina will engorge, expand and lubricate more as you become more excited so there's room for more of him.
2. try slower, less deep thrusts
3. try changing the angle of penetration — for instance, if you're normally on all fours with your back straight, parallel to the bed, try bending over further, down on your elbows or bend your back so that your chest is on the bed.
If none of these help, you might consider a gynecological exam to see if there's anything out of alignment internally.
My girlfriend and I are interested in using a dildo, although I am concerned with getting one bigger than me. She says it’s not an issue, but I still feel slightly insecure. And now that using a big dildo is on her mind I think we will eventually have to get one. What would you do?
ANSWER
Congratulations for recognizing and admitting to your own insecurity. A lesser man would just project onto his partner, thinking badly of her just because she is interested in using a dildo.
By all means explore the use of the dildo together. She can also use it alone of course.
So many men make the simple error of judgment that size is what really matters, though I would wager a guess that if you ask them what size, they could not actually tell you. Perhaps they would just say, bigger than I am. What really matters is a match between the woman and the man. One aspect of a match, the ideal aspect, would be if the size the man's lingam was exactly the size of the woman's vagina. This is a nice bonus if you happen to have that, but I don't know of anyone who ever put that as a requirement for relationship happiness.
The more important meaning of a match between a man and woman regarding genital size, is how they match up whatever the sizes are. For example, if the man is small and the woman large, you want to use positions for sexual intercourse that allow deep penetration. Also, it would be very important to make sure the woman has one or even better, a number of clitoral orgasms, before there is any penetration with the penis. Once a woman has had one or more clitoral orgasms, the entire vaginal canal becomes awakened to orgasm, including the g-spot, but also any number of other sensitive spots anywhere within the vaginal canal.
Regarding the g-spot, you probably already know that it is located only approximately 1-2 inches inside the vaginal canal, so even the shortest penis on record would reach it with the proper angle. So use sexual intercourse positions that put you into contact with the g-spot.
Then there is pleasuring her with your fingers, and of course your mouth. Learning how to touch her properly with your fingers and learning the fine art of cunnilingus (oral sex), you can bring her to have many orgasms including clitoral, g-spot and other deep vaginal orgasms and ejaculatory orgasms, without ever penetrating her with your penis. The use of a dildo is only an additional way to pleasure her, i.e., if you insert the dildo for her.
If you have learned the skills of a great lover, and have mastered your ejaculation response, i.e., learned how to make ejaculation voluntary so you only ejaculate when you are both ready, then the size of your penis will be understood to be of little concern.
I hope you get the idea by now, it is how you use what you have rather than how much you have. Even more important than that, it is most fundamentally about emotional connection, being fully present in the now moment during lovemaking (not in your head worrying about the size of your penis), giving and receiving pleasure, and about freely and unconditionally giving and receiving love.
Here are some resources to help you learn about different sexual positions and ejaculation mastery.
My husband and I are trying to get pregnant but I feel we have a bit of a problem, and an embarrassing one at that. Every time he ejaculates it all comes back out. Not pleasant to say the least. Why is this happening?
ANSWER
It's normal for semen to come out of the vagina after ejaculation — it's gravity! After intercourse you can elevate your hips to help keep the fluid inside and stay that way for 5 or 10 minutes. You might even have intercourse in a hip-elevated position, like this one from the Kama Sutra, called "Widely Opened". To experience the delights of Widely Opened, you lie on your back with your knees bent, your feet flat on the bed and comfortably apart, shoulder width or more, then raise your yoni into the air. Your eager lover kneels between your legs. You pull him deliciously close by grasping his hips.
The most comfortable way to explore this wide-open position is to place a pillow or two beneath your back and buttocks. They will support your lower back so that you can relax and thoroughly enjoy yourself as he plunges deep inside you. Or, use a Liberator Shape like the wedge, as in this photo. For more info about Liberator Shapes go to this page at our website:
You may want to learn the secrets of the Tantric and Kama Sutra masters.
We have many resources for you to choose from.
I will present them starting with free (you have a low degree of interest, or cannot afford to spend any money) and progressing to more expensive (your interest level is high and serious, and you can afford to spend some money).
I found your site through Google and thank you for your many insights. I’m wondering if you could provide through your expertise, direction to readings and/or teachings for two male friends who are interested in exploring Tantric practice leading to a higher awareness, though we are not lovers, we are comfortable with each other. Thank you kindly for any insights that you would be willing to share.
ANSWER
Consider our new membership website SexySpiritualRelationships.com with text, audio and video instruction. The Kama Sutra series is now available and the Tantra series will be early in the new year.
Some of the best resources are available from the New School of Erotic Touch including online video training.
Western cultures have often thought of the ancient practice of tantra as a form of super-sex. However, as scholar and teacher Bruce Anderson makes clear in this first guide for gay men to the art of tantra, it is actually a rigorous practice that harnesses sexual energy as fuel for spiritual development. In eight empowering chapters, Anderson explores and explains the spiritual concepts that practitioners must fully integrate into their lives before experiencing the transformative effects of tantra.
How does Tantra facilitate the awakening and rise of Kundalini?
What is the relevance of Tantra today for men who love men?
What are the origins of Tantra?
What is the goal of Tantra?
Readers will be guided through the process of incorporating Tantric philosophy and practices into their sexual and spiritual through multiple excercises on:
Harnessing breath as a means to awakening development.
Achieving bliss through posture.
Strengthening abdominals, and erections.
Lovemaking techniques for achieving sacred unions.
Postponing and prolonging orgasms.
Bruce Anderson's astute and unaffected approach to both the technical and spiritual elements of tantra will allow gay men to enhance the power of their lovemaking and the strength of their orgasms to reach a state of cosmic bliss.
Burn After Reading, premier September 2008, directed by Joel and Ethan Cohen who also directed No Country for Old Men, and Oh Brother Where Art Though.
The Tibetan Buddhist term yab-yum translates as father/mother, masculine/feminine or yang/yin. Yab-yum is the ultimate Tantric lovemaking position because it is ideal for sharing energy.
Time for Exercise: five minutes to one hour
Properties Required: each other
Steps:
In the yab-yum sexual position, the woman straddles the man as he sits cross-legged on the floor in the lotus position. He might have cushions under his knees for support and comfort, especially if he wants to maintain the position for more than a few minutes. Very firm Indian style pillows work perfectly. Alternatively, he might sit on a straight-backed chair and she will climb on top.
The lovers face each other with eyes open. They harmonize their breathing (see Harmony Breath). They can kiss, touching their tongues together. The eyes, breath, and tongues act as energy switches connecting the flow of hot sexual energy between the two lovers’ bodies.
1. Build to a peak of sexual arousal using any other sexual positions or techniques, but do not climax.
Is it at all difficult to apply such an ancient art to modern day living?
Most readers will find the original Burton translation of the Kama Sutra of limited value. Those translations that try to preserve the exact language of the original will be quite a boring read. But some of the modern translations, for example our
Can the Kama Sutra help people with intimacy problems in their marriage?
The primary forms of intimacy in relationship are sexual and non-sexual forms of communication. The Kama Sutra gives detailed instructions on how to communicate, before, during and after lovemaking, and of course it also presents detailed instructions on virtually all sexual techniques, with the exception that there is very little in the Kama Sutra about oral sex (fellatio, and cunnilingus).
