Dating After Divorce For Men: Online Dating

At one time considered a desperate way to meet someone, meeting someone today online is the norm.  It was not long ago that few were willing to admit they sought love online. In fact, I have seen several profiles that included “Willing to lie about how we met.”

Incidentally, that cutesy statement has been overused. That means retire it.  We will talk more about do’s and don’ts in writing personal dating profiles later in the article.

There are many online dating sites to choose from – those who bring together people who are passionate about social causes, those designed for men and women of one religion or another, those that are free, and those that charge a monthly membership fee.

Logic would suggest that someone paying for a service would be more serious in their search for that special person; however, I found that to be an incorrect assumption. I found that most of the members on the paid site also had accounts on their free counterparts.

online-dating for divorced menThe most expensive well-known site, eHarmony, that matches its members on supposed similar values was no more effective for me than a free one like Plenty of Fish or OKCupid.

I’ve spoken to many online daters and have pretty much heard the same from them.

Other challenges we second-time-around daters have to juggle includes baggage from past relationships.  This doesn’t just include unresolved hurts and fears.  I’m talking a lot of us (men and women) have active “baggage” like kids, bitter exes, debt, etc.

These challenges are things we would have never considered in our earlier dating years, but they are very influences as singles who have to juggle multiple responsibilities.

At our age the dating pool is smaller. Hopefully, based on our past experiences and the wisdom we have gained, we have realistic ideas about what kind of partner would complement us.

Tips On Creating Your Online Profile

I’ll recommend a strategy for you guys who have written or plan on writing an online dating profile.  If a woman finds your photos attractive enough to click on them and learn more about you, make sure your narrative is compelling enough to keep her attention.  This isn’t to say you have to wow her with words.  Simply put, be authentic and be yourself.

bad-online-profileObviously you want to stand out from the masses, but you don’t want to come across as arrogant.  So how exactly, do you do this?

When writing your narrative, propose a question or two that will pique a woman’s curiosity. This type of  lead will make it easier for a woman to include in a message to you. You want it to be something of genuine interest to you.

You aren’t trying to beat out the competition, so to speak. You are trying to get a sense of the person who is writing to you; and you want to know early on if she is someone you would like to get to know better.

Whether meeting a woman online or in person, be yourself.  Pretending to be someone you aren’t will cheat both of you.  You deserve to be appreciated for what you have to offer.  If a relationship begins to form the truth will eventually come out and you’ll be left with two very disappointed people.

The following are are common mistakes men make. They are nothing less than cringe-worthy.  I hesitate to outline them because if you have considered doing any of the following, then I am doing my fellow females a disservice by giving the heads up.

  1. Bare Chests.  If you are online with the goal of getting laid by a bimbo, by all means, use this strategy; but just know that serious, self-respecting women roll their eyes at you.  Women are visual creatures too.  If you want to show off your physical assets, post a shot of yourself playing volleyball at the beach.
  1. Bathroom Mirrors.  First, re-read #1. Second, this isn’t reserved for bare chest shots.  Any photo taken in a mirror is unacceptable.
  2. Bacardi Promotional Girl.   Remember the Seinfeld episode where George tears a picture of a model out of a magazine? He carries it around in his wallet, claiming she’s his deceased fiancee in order to enter an exclusive party? Well, that strategy doesn’t work in real life.  Pictures of you with hot girls, especially those who are getting paid to do it, just make guys seem insecure.  You might as well be holding a sign saying so.
  3. Driver Seat Selfies.  WTF is this?  Selfies taken at stop lights just make you look like a dork restrained by a seatbelt.
  4. Boats and Sports Cars.  If you would like to communicate financial stability, don’t take a picture next to a boat on a trailer.  For all we know you snuck into a private marina and used the thing as a prop.  Take a picture of yourself fishing on a boat.  We are good at reading between the lines.  It’s true. Women are attracted to power. It’s an evolutionary thing.  But if a woman wants to date someone solely because of the toys he owns, you can do better.

desperate-online-profileTruth be told, for some women, the Prince Charming myth dies hard and some of us do hold onto unrealistic expectations.  Hopefully, though, most of my 40 something cohorts have matured enough to move beyond that silliness.

Having said this, any woman would be lying if she said money doesn’t matter.  Of course, the idea of meeting someone “rich” is appealing.  The idea alone conjures up images of the good life – travel, comfort, and security.  I believe the idea is born from the needs women have that I mentioned above.

Photos are important. I’m not going to lie. In fact, studies have shown photos overwhelmingly influence one’s choice of deciding whether to give someone a chance.  This is true of both genders.  If your photos are good and interests and values align there is a high possibility a woman will respond to your message.

Your Best Self

On more than one occasion I’ve heard guys say something along the lines of  “We can’t read your minds.”  Fair enough, but a simple and honest self-assessment is called for when you prepare to jump into the dating pool.  When I mentioned to my boyfriend (whom I met online, by the way), that women often say men are stupid, he wholeheartedly agreed “we are”.

Given my boyfriend’s admission, I respectfully offer some basic advice.  Perhaps you’ve been in a long-term relationship that was unfulfilling and you stopped caring about your appearance, or you simply were not motivated to focus on your health.  Take this time to get back on track, not only because you are starting to date again.  Do it for yourself.

You will feel healthier, have more energy, and feel more confident and attractive.  There are so many activities that serve as exercise and recreation you have no excuse to avoid being more active.  Not only will activity benefit your health.  You will offer something interesting to a potential partner – fun and novelty.

Good health is attractive to women.  The unfortunate fact that, as a whole, men have shorter life expectancies than women do.  A man’s health is a real consideration for us.  We aren’t looking to be saddled with the responsibility of nursing someone, especially those of us who have kids.  At our age, kids have likely left the nest or are well on their way to doing so.

After years of caregiving, we look forward to time we can have fun and enjoy our independence.  We definitely don’t want to sign up for caring for a sick partner.  We still have a life ahead of us to live and enjoy.  It’s very likely many of you feel the same.

Let me kill a huge myth that I have heard guys repeat over and over again.  Nice guys do not finish last. Well, let me rephrase that.  They may finish last but they don’t lose the prize.

We women all have our preferences, must-haves and deal breakers; but I will insist there are some basic things all women want and if you show you can provide these, the better chance you have at being successful.

If you haven’t read part one, “Getting Back in the Game”, click here to read it and part two: What Women Want.

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