I deserve something, even if it’s a homemade card
February 22, 2010 by Al Link
Filed under Questions and Answers
I bought my fiancé a power tool, skin cream for his psoriasis, ky yours&mine and ky intense for Valentine’s Day. When I told him it hurt my feelings that he didn’t get me anything, he got up all pissed off and stormed out to buy me something. What is going on? I deserve something, even if it’s a homemade card.
ANSWER
Yes of course you deserve something. He was being a selfish jerk. But if you get angry it will not be helpful, not even a little bit helpful. What would be helpful is if you reveal to your fiancé that his lack of attention to you on this special lovers romantic holiday hurts your feelings. And of course this desire to have him carry you in his thoughts and in his heart would extend to every day of the year, not just on special days such as Valentine’s, or birthdays, or anniversaries. When you respond by revealing that his indifference to you hurt you, and perhaps that it makes you afraid that he does not love you (only if that is a real fear of course), means you are opening your heart to him, because opening your heart means that you have the courage to take the risk by daring to reveal what you are feeling and this makes you emotionally vulnerable and transparent. On the other hand, anger typically results in making him want to fight or run away, which is what he did by storming out of the house in a huff. His angry response at being called on his callous and indifferent behavior toward you was only a childish ego defense. If he does not respond well to your revealing that his behavior hurts you or makes you afraid, you are advised to think long and carefully if you want to go ahead with marriage to this man. If things are not good before marriage, they are not likely to be better after marriage.
Popularity: 25% [?]
Have a question about something you don’t want to ask anyone else or feel you can’t? It doesn’t have to be an embarrassing question though. Maybe you just have a relationship issue that you need to bounce off someone else. We are here for you. We are happy to hear from you and will do our best to address your question in a timely fashion. 
In my opinion, it is selfish and self-serving behavior when a person gives another person a gift, with the expectation of something in return. Something you may want to think about.
Besides, do you really want someone to give you something because they feel like they HAVE to, rather than GET to?
Do you see the difference?
Of course it is selfish to give with an expectation of getting something in return. And of course no-one would want to give something because they have to. But that is not really what the question answered above is addressing. Certainly, if someone repeatedly gives to another, and nothing ever comes back, that is going to wear thin pretty fast. It is hard to imagine any relationship surviving, let alone thriving, if there is not some reciprocal exchange of gifts; if the giving remains only one way. Some people are primarily takers; rarely giving anything. Anyone in relationship with such a person is advised to get out of that relationship.
I agree that there needs to be some reciprocity in a relationship. However, nowhere does she say anything about “repeatedly” giving gifts to her partner and him never reciprocating. She only mentioned that one occasion.
If I give a gift to my partner, the greatest gift he can give me is a pleasant smile and show that he appreciates me. Of course, if he bought me something nice too, I would be very pleased, but honestly I don’t care about what he buys me or doesn’t buy me…and because I don’t care, he does.
Wonderful; it sounds like you are fortunate to have an excellent relationship!