ANSWER

No wonder you are confused, but I wouldn't go accusing your partner of fooling around just yet. This sudden onset of extreme tightness may be a condition called "vaginismus". Vaginismus is a spasm in the musculature of the outer third of the vagina which makes insertion difficult or impossible. For some women, this muscle spasm is painful; for others, it is not.


According to the Mount Sinai Hospital (Toronto, Canada) website: "It is widely believed that in most cases of vaginismus, the spasm is triggered either by pain or the anticipation of pain (emotional or physical pain). Much like the way an eyelid closes when something comes to close to the eye or a muscle flinches in response to an imminent punch, vaginismus is like a vaginal flinch.


It is in some sense protecting the area, even though the woman doesn't want it to. Some women have fears or guilt regarding intercourse, others have physical pain problems, and still others have no obvious cause for their condition. One perplexing aspect of vaginismus is that often the spasm remains long after the woman has dealt with any anxieties or physical problems. So learning to control and eliminate this spasm is how one cures vaginismus."


In your partner's case, if she is indeed experiencing vaginismus, it could well have been precipitated by the extra large dildo you played with shortly before her new "tightness" came about, now her vagina may be trying to protect itself.


Learning to control her vaginal muscles will help relax them. She can experiment with Kegel exercises, endeavoring to contract and then relax her vagina muscles — the easiest way to learn to do this is to stop the flow of urine in midstream, that identifies the right muscles and then she squeezes and relaxes them on a regular basis. She may have already learned this in preparation for childbirth, many women do.
 

Meditation, bio-feedback, and Pilates can help. As can working with a small dildo (vibrating or not), inserting it slowly and gently to help relax the muscle spasm.


Also genital massage can be a big help. You do this for her–she can give you a genital massage too. Instructions are below.


Wishing you both all the best and a happy, satisfying sex life, Pala


Yoni Massage

The Yoni massage, or female genital massage, brings healing and emotional opening. Your intention is not arousal, or orgasm, although these may well occur, but rather to help your lover become more sensitive, relaxed and connected to her yoni—her sacred temple. Much frustration, pain and trauma are held in the tissues of the vagina, loving massage can help discharge them. This process may bring up strong emotions—feelings of fear or anxiety and joyous outpourings of release. It may take several sessions before her yoni has healed so that she can fully enjoy the range of sexual pleasures it holds.
 

• Your lover lies on her back, a towel-covered pillow under her hips.

• Her legs are apart, knees slightly bent.

• Sit between her legs.

• Look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly and deeply together.

• Gently massage her legs, belly and torso, advancing without haste to her inner thighs and pelvis.

• When she is relaxed move to her yoni, and, asking permission to honor this most sacred spot, pour a good quality water-based lubricant on her mound      and begin to massage it slowly.

• “Slowly” is a key point for this entire massage.

• Gently squeezing each outer lip between thumb and forefinger, stroke up and down.

• Ask her to tell you if she wants more pressure or speed or softness.

• Repeat the stroking, squeezing motion on her inner lips.

• Move to her clitoris, circling, squeezing, gently pulling.

• When you feel she is ready ask permission to enter her enchanted garden and gently insert your finger—some women like two fingers.

• Crook your finger in a “come hither” motion and press it against the walls just inside the entrance of her vaginal canal.

• Explore all around this wonderful opening, fraction of an inch by fraction of an inch.

• If you encounter spots that are painful or tight stop movement but continue to press your finger there.

• Breathe together. You may notice tingling or heat as the tension releases.

• Move a little deeper into her honey pot and again press all around.

• This is the area of the g-spot, which can be extremely sensitive—its spongy tissue is a storehouse of sexual frustration and pain—so move     respectfully.

• Some women feel a burning or a desire to urinate when the g-spot is awakening, continue to apply pressure and allow the sensation to pass.

• Move deeper still, straightening your finger and pressing along the sides as you go farther back toward the cervix.

• Wherever she feels trauma or pain stop movement, press the spot firmly, breathe deeply, until there is a release.

• If your lover would like you to, as you continue your internal massage begin to stimulate her clitoris with your other hand awakening her to a    state of high arousal.

• She may experience orgasm—clitorally or vaginally or in combination.

• When she feels she’s had enough, slowly take your hands away.

• Complete your massage by gently holding her in your loving arms.

Lingam Massage

Men too, need gentle healing of their genitals—a purging of emotional and energetic blockages. When a man holds frustration and hurts in his genital region the muscles can be tight, affecting his capacity for erection and his ability to master ejaculation. The lingam massage relaxes these tense muscles and helps a man open to his receptive side so he may experience deeper levels of pleasure. If the massage brings up strong emotions for your lover encourage him to allow them out.

• Your lover lies on his back, a towel-covered pillow under his hips.

• His legs are apart, knees slightly bent.

• Sit between his legs.

• Look into each other’s eyes and breathe slowly and deeply together.

• Gently massage his legs, belly and torso, advancing without haste to his inner thighs and pelvis.

• Ask permission to honor his ‘wand of light’, and with a good quality lubricant deeply massage the muscles at the top of his inner thighs, in the crease where his legs and pelvic floor meet. Work along the connecting bone and muscles, releasing tension as you go.

• “Slowly” is a key point for this entire massage.

• Ask him to tell you when he wants more or less pressure or a change of stroke or to touch a different spot.

• Massage above his lingam on the pubic bone.

• Move down to the scrotum, gently kneading and pulling his testicles.

• Pay special attention to the perineum, circling and pushing the tissues there.

• Bring your loving touch to his lingam, stroking the shaft with varying pressure and speed. With alternating hands slide up from the base of the       shaft to the head and then off. Repeat this movement and then reverse direction—slide from the top down.

• Hold his lingam by its head and gently shake it back and forth.

• Thoroughly massage the head of his lingam.

• He may or may not get an erection. If he does it may come and go throughout your massage.

• If he finds the massage arousing and feels he is coming close to ejaculation slow down or stop your massaging or move to a different spot, for     instance the perineum. Breathe deeply together.

• Move from perineum to testicles to lingam and back again, paying attention to different areas as he rises to a peak and then backs off. The lingam massage is a great aid to learning ejaculation mastery.

• Perhaps he would like to ejaculate to end the massage or he may want to retain his sexual energy. Whatever his preference, when he feels he’s had    enough remove your hands slowly and reverently.

• He may like you to hold him in your arms to complete your session.

Al Link and Pala Copeland

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