I feel like everything is just out of my control
September 7, 2009 by Al Link
Filed under Questions and Answers
When it comes to relationships, I seem to always want what I cannot have, but once I get what I want, I suddenly do not want it anymore. I am always like this with guys; I will get close to someone I really like and after a couple of weeks I will make up some excuse to push them away or break up with them. I seem to fall in "love" so fast, and when I do I fall hard. Once I am interested in someone they will become like an obsession of mine; I will think about them all of the time and even stalk their Facebook, ha. But one day I will just wake up and that someone is no longer important to me; I will have moved on involuntarily. I feel like everything is just out of my control! Any advice? thank you
ANSWER
Like many, many people, you are looking outside yourself for happiness. Although our culture likes to promote the idea that we will become complete when we find our "soulmate", our other half, this is a damaging and erroneous assumption. True, as male and female human beings we are separate halves of an energetic whole. But, on a spiritual level you are already complete. Obviously, a part of you realizes this already — you withdraw from relationships quickly.
If you want to create a wondrous relationship, follow these simple, although not necessarily easy, steps:
1. Understand that your happiness can only come from within — nothing and no one outside you can bring you happiness.
2. Think about the kind of relationship you want to create. Very important: focus on the qualities of the relationship you want, not the characteristics of the partner you’d like to have. For instance: "I want a relationship that is fun, loving, and sexually satisfying." Not: "I want a guy with a great sense of humor, who adores me, and is a great lover." When you focus on qualities of the relationship it’s very empowering — then it becomes something you both do together. It’s not up to one or the other of you to do it for each other, because that’s impossible and always leads to disappointment.
3. When you meet someone you want to be involved with, accept him exactly as he is. This doesn’t mean he won’t want to grow and become the best person he can, with your help, if that’s what you agree on. But do not think you can change him or even try to. The only person you can change is yourself.
With desire, determination, and self-awareness you can create the relationship you want — one that thrills, stimulates and satisfies you and can last for a lifetime.
One other point; I suggest you look at how you feel about yourself, your self-image. If you hold yourself in low esteem, then it is an easy step to conclude, it this person accepts me, likes me, loves me, etc., there must be something wrong with them, because I know I am not a good person. This could explain why you stop being interested in someone once you "catch" them. If this is part of the problem then work diligently to change your self-image. There are many excellent books on the subject.
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