My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship
June 15, 2009 by Al Link
Filed under Questions and Answers
My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship, and have yet to meet in person. Neither of us have ever had sex before, and have very little experience in dating and the like. She likes to tell me her fantasies about us, and she wants me to tell her what I think about. But I can’t bring myself to talk about things like that; I’m not that open, especially about sexual things. I’m a pretty private person, and it’s really hard for me to open up about certain things.I’m pretty sure she’s disappointed whenever I turn her down, and I feel like she thinks that I’m not as invested in our relationship as she is, but stil, I can’t bring myself to say anything.
What should I do? I’ve tried explaining to her that I’m too embarrassed, but she wants me to try it, since she has. She says it feels one-sided.
ANSWER
This is only a problem for you because it is a problem for her, but that makes it real enough that you would want to do something about it. This is a situation where you want to act to support a desired outcome, rather than stay in your emotional comfort zone. Relationships have a way of putting us repeatedly in such situations, that is why we refer to our relationship as our spiritual practice. None of this would be an issue if you were living alone in a cave, but since you want to be with her you are going to have to learn some new things, and change some old behaviors.
So the solution is this. When you want to create a new situation or outcome, you must move into your emotional discomfort zone. Instead of acting to get back to your comfort zone as quickly as possible (what most people do most of the time; hence the reason they stay stuck where they have always been), you act to support creating a new outcome that is desired by both of you. In this case you tell her what you think about and fantasize about, even if it feels very uncomfortable to do so. It will get easier with practice.
Another aspect of this is that for someone to reveal their innermost thoughts and fantasies does make them emotionally vulnerable and transparent. This is something many avoid doing at all costs, believing that by hiding inside themselves they are safe from hurt and harm. But of course all they get is isolation, alienation and loneliness. Opening your heart means becoming emotionally vulnerable and transparent. So taking this action of talking about what you are thinking, feeling and fantasizing about inside will make you emotionally vulnerable and transparent, but this only means you are opening your heart. You might be absolutely terrified of doing this, but that is only more reason to do it anyway.
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