We still feel like there is something missing
June 3, 2009 by Al Link
Filed under Questions and Answers
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year; he is 25 and I am 24. We love each other deeply. We connect emotionally, personally, and physically. We have recognized that one of our challenges is our sexual relationship. We both come from a sexual background where we were the object of most of the attention. We were each spoiled by our respective partners, not that we didn’t reciprocate, but it was just more about our needs which in turn satisfied our partners. (Which was perfectly healthy in other relationships).
Not so much in this one. This is not to say that we do not have sex and that it is not good. When we do have sex it can be very bonding as we have mastered the simultaneous orgasm. I think we are lacking in the foreplay/oral area, which is where we were both spoiled previously.
I would happily give more, if I felt like I received back. But once I give I often feel forgotten. He alternately feel that I am selfish because in foreplay I am not trying to bring him to climax, but only make him hard enough for intercourse. Lately we have been defaulting to sex because we can both be satisfied.But we still feel like there is something missing. What can we do (besides buying your book, which I already plan to do)?
ANSWER
Your lovemaking has become far too mechanical and almost totally goal oriented. Too mechanical means you have learned some good moves which enable you to come to orgasm at the same instant, but this is merely sexual technique. The goal orientation is trying to get to simultaneous orgasm, as if that is all the lovemaking was for. Essentially your lovemaking is now a simple business transaction exchange; “you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.” There is not much room for love and affection in such a transaction.
Drop the goal of getting to orgasm and shift to a pleasure orientation. Focus on giving and receiving pleasure as an expression of your love and affection for each other in the now moment. Otherwise, it is only going to be more of the same, which is great orgasms together, but ending with both of you feeling used, abused, and neglected, with a big hole in the middle of your heart. The only way to replace the hole in your heart is to put a giggle there. What will put a giggle there is when you feel respected, cared for, adored, appreciated and loved.
What brings those wonderful qualities into lovemaking is the foreplay and afterplay, which always includes intimate conversation in which you acknowledge each other, complement each other, express your appreciation for the things you admire about each other, remember past things you did together when you were feeling in love, and planning future things you will do together as lovers enjoying each other’s company as you go through life and grow old together.
Make an effort to give and receive non-sexual affection (including non-sexual touching) and then bring that quality of caring for each other into your lovemaking.
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