Age differences and sexual relationships

Question 1: About six years ago just before my husband died unexpectedly we adopted two children. After the death of my husband our son became an important man figure in their lives. He became a sheriff. Six months ago he was killed in the line of duty. Since then his best friend who is 20 whom I have known for a while has been very caring and helpful to myself and my adopted children. When something has needed to be done around that house he stepped in.  He has also done things to make the lives of the adopted children and my life better. Since doing these things I have invited him to family gatherings. He has shown up for the sports games of the children.

 
About two months ago he has said to me that I need to start taking some time for myself and my needs. He said that I always make the needs of others be met. He said it was my time. He said that he was able to help. Since then our relationship has further blossomed.  He has asked if my wants have been met sexual lately. He and I both know they have not. He said that he would love to make love to me and satisfy me sexually. He makes me feel sexy that a younger man finds me desirable. I think he is cute and I know he is caring and loving. We have only been doing activities together as just the two of us for about two months. Do you think that is long enough to consider making love?

He has said that he would like to take me to a bed and breakfast for a few nights to provide a break from the house and the adopted children. He says that it would be a romantic time for us. I like the idea of getting away. I would imagine that he is thinking that we will have sex there. Do you think that a bed and breakfast would be a good place for us to making love if we choose to?

 
I am a little concerned about satisfying him sexually. I have not made love/had sex in a long time and am older than him. When I mentioned this to him he said that all he wanted to do was satisfy me sexually Do you have any advice to easing this concern?

 

Question 2: I have a good relationship with an attractive older woman. She is 19 years older than I am. We enjoy deep conversations. I want our relationship to become closer. I want sex with her and find it appropriate for us to have it. She has not said that she does not want sex in our relationship but she seems uncertain. She seems hesitant about our age difference. She has said that if we were closer in age things would be different. She said that she had sex for the first time in the same year I was born. She has not said that she would not enjoy sex together. How can I encourage her to think differently about age differences in regards to having sex or not? Might there be other reasons why she seems uncertain about sex?

 
Is it common despite age difference in a relationship for the man to want sex and find it appropriate and a woman to seem hesitant about sex in the relationship?

 
ANSWER

 
The most important thing in a relationship is how important that relationship is compared with other things in your life. A wide spread of years in age difference could be a problem and certainly does have its own challenges, but certainly those challenges are surmountable assuming 2 people love each other and are willing to work at making the relationship grow and thrive. Have a conversation in which both of you talk about how important is your relationship compared with other important aspects of your lives, e.g., careers, children, avocations (strong interests such as hobbies), etc.

 
We have found that when 2 people agree that their relationship is the most important thing, they will go to any effort to make it work, so it does work. This does not mean that other things, e.g., children are not important, on the contrary, when you have a solid relationship everything in your life and everyone in your life will benefit from the love, energy, enthusiasm and stability you bring to those other aspects of your life.

 
We have never found evidence that when a couple makes the relationship the most important thing, that anything else suffers, but when the relationship is low on the order of priorities, other things, particularly the children do indeed suffer.

 
Making your relationship the most important thing means primarily 2 things. One, that you will work real hard to make it succeed. Two, that you refer all decision making back to how it will affect the relationship.

 
Differences in libido, desire for sexual activity, vary widely between men and women, but also between women themselves and between men themselves. Even 10 years ago it would perhaps have been more common for women to be more reserved and secretive about their sexual desire, but this has been changing rapidly in recent years and many women are now much more open about their interest in sexuality, and we believe this is a good thing.

 
There is of course the hormone difference between men and women, with men have much more testosterone and women having much more estrogen. This hormone difference does tend to make men more assertive, possibly even aggressive in their sexuality compared with women.