December 26, 2008

My boyfriend asked me to marry him

My boyfriend of 2 years asked me to marry him. And I said yes, but I feel like i made a mistake. He's 21, with a child on the way (with his ex-girlfriend) and I’m 18 with a younger brother who I’m raising. My mother died of cancer 2 years ago, and my father I never knew because my mother was raped *conceived me* and my brother’s father left my mother when she told him she was pregnant. I really feel like it would be too much of a burden if we got married right now.

ANSWER

Marriage is a very significant change in any person’s life, carrying with it important responsibilities. You are mature for your years considering the duties associated with raising a younger brother that you have taken on. At 18 years you are barely into the age that anyone would describe as young adult yourself.

Saying yes to getting married does not mean that you have to actually go through the legal process anytime soon. Saying yes simply means you are now engaged.

I definitely advise putting off the actual date of the marriage until later. How much later?

Wait until the new baby is born, and see what the child care arrangements will be, e.g., will the child stay with the mother or with the father, or joint custody? If the father has full or joint custody, you can get a feel for how it would work out, and how much of a role you will be willing and able to play in the life of the new baby.

You can discover how you are with the new baby, how much you want to be responsible for the child’s care, how much the father actually contributes to taking on that responsibility, sharing of child care and other homemaking tasks.

You can also get a feel for how all of this will affect your brother. Understand that the effect of brining two new people into his life will be a major adjustment for him as well as yourself.