Your materials on the Sexy Spiritual Relationships Membership website, all indicate that monogamy is preferable with the Tantric way. I would like to know, if that is not the desire of one or the other of the partners, is it still possible to follow the Tantric pathway together?

 
ANSWER

 

Monogamy is a personal choice. It is a choice Pala and I have made. Our commitment to each other is a gift, given and received with enthusiasm and delight, never a burden, and certainly not something we do because we feel we have to. The commitment of fidelity is not something required because of some moral or ethical standard imposed upon us by any external authority. It is a natural expression of our love for each other. Having made that decision and honoring it for these many years we have been together (now going on 25 years), it has opened many spiritual doors to us and is a significant arrangement supporting our spiritual path. We have also chosen to make our relationship the most important thing in our lives; more important than our children, our work, or other interests (but of course that does not mean we neglect other important things), and more important than being right or winning when there are disagreements. Our relationship is our spiritual practice, and sacred sexuality is the primary form of our spiritual practice. The bond of commitment, fidelity, and monogamy create a secure platform, a cocoon of safety, and bring moral legitimacy to the most passionate sex imaginable between two lovers.


On the other hand, there are many Tantricas (practitioners of Tantric sacred sexuality) that do not make fidelity and monogamy a part of their practice. There is a long tradition in Tantra of having multiple sexual partners, including group sex. Some have obviously found value in those practices, but we do not. Naturally we can only teach what we know and what we actually practice ourselves. But we would never claim that the approach we take to sacred sexuality is the only approach or the only truth, or the only path that works. These are choices and decisions each individual and each couple must make.


It does pose a difficult challenge when one of the partners desires fidelity and monogamy but the other one wants a more open relationship sexually. In such a case each must look carefully at how important their position on this matter is to them. The crucial question is this: “Can I really expect to be happy (enduringly happy for a lifetime together) with a partner when we disagree on this, and can our relationship really thrive under such conditions?” If not, then you must find different partners. It is obviously easiest if you can both agree to make a commitment of fidelity in a monogamous relationship, or both agree on having a sexually open relationship.