December 4, 2007

Why did it take me so long to have an orgasm?

"I am a pretty conservative person and have never been on a sexually oriented website before. But I found yours to be so tasteful and informative. I am a 30 something female and just had my first orgasm when I was pregnant with my third child (a boy). I don't know if it was the testosterone running through my body from him, but I am thankful for it and mine and my husband’s sex life hasn't been the same since.

But what I was wondering is, am I normal? Why did it take me so long to have an orgasm? I have asked some of my close friends and they say that they've had orgasms ever since they first started having sex. And also, I find it so hard to have an orgasm with my husband during lovemaking even though I get so close and he is the most loving and attentive lover and husband. I always have an orgasm through masturbation with a vibrator though. What am I doing wrong?

I am hoping that you can give me an answer to these questions that have been troubling me for some time now."

Answer:

First let me assure you that you are completely "normal". Many women have not experienced orgasm, or only have an orgasm occasionally. It's important to understand that orgasm is something that you learn to experience–it doesn't just happen because you have sex and all the body parts. To me that is very positive, because if you have the desire to experiment, then you can learn to have many kinds of orgasms.

For most women it is easiest to reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation especially through masturbation with a vibrator. In lovemaking with your husband show him how you like your clitoris touched. Also encourage him to experiment with oral sex. It is important for him to know that when he finds a touch or stroke or clitoral kissing/licking that is making you very excited and building you toward orgasm that he should keep doing it exactly the same way until you let him know to stop. Even a slight change can send your excitement and arousal back to zero!

It is difficult for most women to experience orgasm through intercourse alone–some reasons for this are:

1. they aren't aroused enough for all the vaginal tissues to become thoroughly excited

2. intercourse doesn't last long enough

3. they aren't relaxed enough and fully present in their bodies to reach a place of orgasm

Experiment with stimulating your clitoris during intercourse–either you or your husband can do this. It is easiest to reach if you are in the woman on top position, sitting up.

Read our article "Freeing the Female Orgasm" for more information for both you and your husband. Also, consider our ebook "Awakening Your Orgasm." Finally, our book "Soul Sex: Tantra for Two" also has lots of information for both women and men about learning to have a wonderful sexual life together.

4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra

Al Link and Pala Copeland

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