Men in Relationship:The Superhero-Heart Freedom (Part 6 of 8 )

November 11, 2007 by Al Link
Filed under Relationship Happiness

"Men in Relationship: The Superhero – Heart Freedom"
Part 6 of 8

In popular culture such as the cinema, superheroes are rarely associated with mature, fulfilling, sexual relationships. However, they can and should be. Doing so would begin the process of popularizing a model worthy of emulation, the hero as warrior and lover, all rolled into one glorious human being. The contribution this shift in attitude could make toward the well-being of humanity in general, and for personal happiness in particular, is extremely significant. The heroic warrior-lover is a worthy replacement for the lonely Hollywood warrior-savior/destroyer.

Superhero stories usually include the following powerful human qualities: overcoming extreme hardships, winning in spite of numerous setbacks and defeats, valiant actions in selfless service to others, extreme courage in the face of incredible threats, risk taking against impossible odds, kindness to strangers, and miraculous abilities. Warrior-lovers need to display degrees of these qualities if their relationship is to flourish. The primary task of the relationship superhero is not to seek out evil and destroy it, nor to dispense justice, but rather to enter unreservedly into a covenant of love. As Joseph Campbell states, “…where we thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.”

James Carse, professor of the history and literature of religion, differentiates between finite and infinite games. A finite game is competitive. Its purpose is to win—implying that there is one winner, everyone else loses, and then the game ends. On the other hand, infinite games are cooperative. Their purpose is to continue playing indefinitely, and every player is a winner. Competitive finite games focus on the end result, attaching little value to the playing of the game itself. Such games can become very nasty. Cooperative infinite games focus on the unfolding play—the journey is more important than the final destination. These games generate experiences of deep connection and intense feelings of love, devotion, and happiness.

Your challenge: Become a heroic warrior-lover.

Most board games, card games, and sports games, such as Monopoly, poker, and baseball are finite games. Life activities (games in our terminology) that involve ongoing interactive relationships, like marriage and business, can be played as either finite or infinite according to the preferences of the players. The nature of the relationships, not the structure of most life games, determines if they are finite or infinite. One notable exception is that most finite of all finite games, the game of war, in which one party must vanquish the other. There’s no other way to play the game of war. One’ only option is whether to play the game or not.

In life games, if the nature of the relationship is primarily competitive, it’s likely to be finite. If the nature of the relationship is primarily cooperative the game will more likely be played as infinite. When marriages work, they are splendid infinite games wherein both partners strive to create love for a lifetime together, such as in the movie The Notebook, starring James Garner and Gena Rowlands. When marriages don’t work they can rank among the nastiest of finite games, as in the film The War of the Roses, starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.

The warrior-lover is certainly a winner, adept at playing both types of games and winning them all, but, because his intimate relationships are treated as infinite cooperative games, both parties win, and the game can go on for a lifetime. Hence, the mature warrior-lover is not only at ease with commitment, monogamy, and intense lifelong relationships, he is also a master of the skills needed to create them.

Joseph Campbelli describes two essential levels of myths, the local socializing myth and the universal archetypal myth. Although the local socializing myth ties us closely together with others in our families and community, it often excludes all those outside that community. The universal archetypal myth, on the other hand, connects us to all life on the planet and beyond into a mystical cosmos. The heroic warrior-lover walks in both worlds. He opens his heart to join intimately with all other human beings in respect and tolerance, while at the same time he bonds with one other human being—his spouse—in sublime sexual union. The combined hero warrior-lover is an archetype for the complete man and woman—the apex of human possibility. There can be no higher aspiration, no greater accomplishment, no more urgent transformation to ensure survival of the planet Earth.

Excerpted from our new book Sensual Love Secrets for Couples: The Four Freedoms of Body, Mind, Heart and Soul, by Al Link and Pala Copeland, Llewellyn, 2007

Available at Amazon.com